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Serving the Joplin, Missouri Community since 2004 Serving the Fourstates of Missouri, Oklahoma, Kansas and Arkansas Please feel free to contact us by e-mail -- kapstonehouse@sbcglobal.net Last Updated: May 10, 2008 KAPstone House is a 501 (c) 3 and contributions are deductible as allowed by law. ©2004 - 2008 KAPstone House is neither a professional counseling service nor a medical organization; we offer peer support only. Information, ideas, or suggestions made by those associated with KAPstone House should not be considered legal advice or used in the place of a qualified professional.
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Childrens' Grief ...Some Basics
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A YOUNG CHILD: 3-5 Years of Age
Adapted from the Dougy Center for Grieving Children
UNDERSTANDING
-Sees death as temporary, believes that the person will return or can be visited.
-Has difficulty handling concepts such as heaven, the soul or spirit.
-Feels sadness, but often for only a short time and often escapes into play, giving adults the impression the child isn’t really grieving.
-Substitutes attachment to another person in exchange for attachment to person who died.
-Needs a daily routine, structure, affection, and reassurance.
-Acting out behaviors include: regression, nightmares, aggression, non-compliance.
GRIEF REACTIONS
-A young child will begin to examine death with words.
-A young child understands the profoundness of the event, but may not know that the person is gone.
-A young child’s primary expression of feeling will be through his/her play.
-A death affects a young child’s sense of security.
-A young child can express strong feelings in his/her sleep and dreams.
-A young child may address a loss more spontaneously than an adult and thus may "recover" from it more quickly.
HOW TO HELP
-A young child may ask questions over and over; answer them over and over.
-Include a young child in the dying and mourning process and rituals to help the child understand what has happened.
-Reflect and support a young child’s reenactment of the death/crisis through his/her play.
-Have pillows to throw and hit for feelings of anger.
-Maintain structures and routines.
-Tolerate the child’s need to act younger for a while (i.e. toilet training, sleeping with others, being held, etc.)
-Hold and love a young child during a nightmare and allow them to cry.
-Allow a young child his/her genuine joy or fun.
SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN: 6-10 Years of Age
Adapted from the Dougy Center for Grieving Children
UNDERSTANDING
-Begins to understand that death is final and permanent.
-Begins to have a fear of death and of others dying.
-May feel guilt (magical thinking) and blame self for the death.
-Has difficulty putting problems and feelings into words.
-Often asks concrete and specific questions about the death, the body, etc.
-Identifies strongly with the deceased
GRIEF REACTIONS
-Acting out behaviors include: compulsive care giving, aggression, possessiveness, regression, headaches, stomachaches, phobias.
-Language is becoming a more important tool in the processing of a child’s grief.
-Physical expressions of the grief a child does not have the words to express.
-The family is a grieving child’s main security.
-Peer relationships can help to support a child through a grieving time and help to avoid their feeling different.
-School responsibilities and outcomes may be affected.
HOW TO HELP
-Answer the questions and go into detail if the child wants to know.
-The child may need help with confused/ "magical" thinking regarding death (e.g. that death is not a punishment for bad behavior, the result of a monster that takes you away, the child’s fault, or contagious).
-Using appropriate books to read alone or together.
-Art, music, dance, acting, sports, and active play are encouraged.
-Have intentional times to grieve together.
-Let the child choose how to be involved in new family traditions and responsibilities.
-Find peer support groups or help teach peer groups how to support their friends.
-Work with the schools to tailor the workload to the child. Pre-Adolescent: 11-13 Years of Age
Adapted from the Dougy Center for Grieving Children
UNDERSTANDING
-Recognizes that death is inevitable and irreversible
-May view death as punishment.
-Retains some elements of magical thinking.
-Often very curious and interested in the "gory" details
-May come up with own theories or explanations of the reasons for the death.
-May have many practical questions about the body, the funeral, etc.
-Acting out behaviors include: aggression, possessiveness, headaches, stomachaces, phobias, defiance.
GRIEF REACTIONS
-The preadolescent is a young person full of changing behaviors when grieving. Emotional turmoil is heightened by physical change.
-The preadolescent may swing back and forth in dependence support from the family to the peers.
-The preadolescent begins to engage in discussion that integrates significant events in his/her life, but physical outlets for emotions are still necessary.
HOW TO HELP
-Expect and accept emotional swings from acting child-like to acting like an adult
-Expect physical manifestations such as colds, and headaches.
-Let the young person choose how to be involved in the death and mourning process.
-Find peer support groups.
-Provide basic biological and chemical information about the death.
-Recognize that the preadolescent may grieve the present but also loss of the relationship at significant life events to come (e.g. first kiss, prom, graduation, wedding, etc.)
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© 2004 - 2008 KAPstone House is neither a professional counseling service nor a medical organization; we offer peer support only. Information, ideas, or suggestions made by those associated with KAPstone House should not be considered legal advice or used in the place of a qualified professional.
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